Toilet Paper, Then Distilled Water

We don’t have a humidifier and it’s not like I use iron as a verb. I have a CPAP machine… so my wife can sleep in peace.

Love in the time of Covid-19 left me with no distilled water at the grocery stores so I attempted to make my own — like a patriot. Basically I boiled water and caught the condensed steam in a bowl floating inside. That’s it. That’s the process.

If I were to assess my set up, I would have to say that it wasn’t not working. My wife came into the kitchen as I was stealing a look under the lid.

Pam
What are you making now?

Steve
Distilled water.

Pam
Haven’t you been making that all morning?

Steve
Yeah.

Pam
How much do you have?

Steve
Like half a cup.

Pam
Bless your heart.

I called Walgreens.

“Hold on,” said the woman, and then after a minute, “Yeah, we got distilled water.”

It was cold so I only saw a few people outside. The other day when it was sunny and warm… EVERYONE had their stroll on. It was nice to be out, though.

Walgreens wasn’t too crowded, a dozen people maybe. Like always I was drawn to the endcap plush toys because they make a noise when squeezed…

Steve
Dude, don’t touch anything. Just get the water.

Steve
Right, right.

I saw the sign overhead for water, but someone was blocking my path — like something out of PAC-MAN. So I altered my route and took the next aisle and cut over in the middle. There was plenty of distilled water. I took two. When I turned around there was another person in my aisle walking in my direction. It seemed too early in our national screenplay to spin around and run the other way. Probably also wrong to yell out WHAT ARE YOU THREATENING ME?! I’M WALKING HERE! So I quietly held my breath, smiled, and nodded politely as we passed.

The woman at the register was wearing gloves. But do gloves matter if they’ve handled items customers have handled? I mean isn’t it ALL mind-bogglingly imperfect until you get home, strip in the doorway, Lysol your face, and run to a scalding and soapy shower?

I punched in my phone number to get the credit on my Walgreens card. But after two numbers into my area code…

Steve
Dude.

Steve
What?

Steve
How many fingers have been on that pad?

Steve
Oh, crap.

I recognized the voice of the woman at the other register as I was leaving.

Steve
Hi, um, I called a little while ago about distilled water. I think you may have check-

Bonnie
Oh yeah. That was me. I walked over there to check for you.

Steve (holding up water, smiling)
Thank you.

Bonnie
You’re welcome. You stay safe now.

Steve
You, too.

Note 1: On my way to Walgreens I noticed a lot more plastic gloves than normal. C’est le temps, non?

Note 2: The discarded sock was pretty normal, though.