That One Time Kim Kardashian Broke the Internet

Or some such thing…

My Ten Thoughts in Order About the That Paper Magazine Cover

1. What an ASS!

2. What an ass.

3. Kanye’s new album cover

4. Almost freakish, like one tiny arm

5. The oil makes it classy

6. Is that a trash bag?

7. END of times

8. It must have its own agent

9. Is there no end to her end?

10. Mmmm, honey glazed ham…

It is 1893 and we’ve just come off the Ferris Wheel. It is evening and the gas lamps glow amber as Abraham and I walk down ‘carnival row’. A barker shouts to us.

“Step right up, boys. I know you came for Mary O’Grady, the bearded lady — I’m sorry to say she’s sick today. BUT we have someone else, someone better, someone bigger who’s just BEHIND this curtain. Would you like to see? All it will cost you is a nickel, one shiny nickel.”

Abraham and I each pull a nickel from the gullyfluff in our pockets and hand it to the barker.

“This is money well spent, boys. You cannot unsee what I’m about to show you. Are you ready?”

We nod. The barker pulls the curtain. We see a woman with a broad backside standing in a garbage sack. Her backside is very broad, like a wash basin.

“Magnificent, isn’t it! All the way from California. Her name? Her name is Kim KardASSSSSian! Just look at her derrière. So big, so round, so disproportionately large for her body. When we travel her trunk needs its own trunk.”

We laugh at the barker, but we cannot take our eyes away.

“Ah, you notice the way it glimmers and glows… Her shiny hiney. And that smell. Yes, that’s coconut oil. It’s what makes this whole show so exotic and classy.”

The barker suddenly pulls the curtain and the woman is hidden from our view.

“Have you another nickel, boys?”

We shake our heads.

“Then this show is over. Move along before I call the Pinkertons.”

We walk home, the moon lighting our way. In my head, another moon. The barker is right. I cannot unsee when I’ve seen. But I wouldn’t want to. It is a good time to be alive.

From ‘A Carny’s Life’

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