HERBSTIVORE

Neither Phoebe or I have any knowledge of dentistry or orthodontics, but we both knew early on that Ella would one day have braces. Her overbite is the kind of thing you see in rural Pennsylvania as a cantilevered weekend home/national landmark. Sure, it’s surrounded in natural beauty, but on its own it’s really something.

I had braces as a kid. They were gray, or steel. Today they come in a rainbow of colors from Aqua to Zucchini. When we went months ago to first check things out, Ella decided on Mediterranean, or blue.

My braces used small tight rubber bands to help correct my overbite. These bands, depending on the power of my yawn, could fly out my mouth the entire length of math class. Not sure if they still use rubber bands, but Ella needed something MORE. She needed an appliance, or Herbst. From the side it looks like the exhaust pipe on a Harley Davidson VRSCA V-Rod, but it’s probably more like the dipper cylinder of a backhoe. It’s A LOT of metal. Someday when we’re at the airport, her mouth will set off alarms.

We went to the orthodontist on Monday. The hour appointment started late and went long. As I watched the assistant bring out all the gleaming instruments of torture and clank-pile them…