And God Said Unto Abraham

or How Services Hit Me Today

Abe, it’s cool, man. It’s cool. Put the knife down.”

SHIT’S ABOUT TO GET REAL, Y’ALL!!!

GOD
I know you say you’ll obey me and everything, but I need to know for sure. I have to really trust you.

Abraham
Ok.

GOD
So, hmmm, let me think how I can get you to prove yourself.

Abraham
Take your ti —

GOD
Ok, got it. I want you to sacrifice your son Isaac on a mountain.

Abraham
No prob.

Fast forward to Abraham building an altar on a mountain with wood that Isaac helped carry…

And then to Abraham tying up Isaac and placing him on said altar…

And finally to Abraham wielding a knife over his innocent son…

Isaac
SHEM HAM AND JAPHETH, DAD?! WHAT THE GEHENNA ARE YOU DOING?!

Angel
Whoa, whoa! Guys, hold up. Abe, it’s cool, man. It’s cool. Put the knife down. God was just kidding.

Abraham
What?

Angel
You got punk’d. He just wanted to see how far you’d go. But you passed. You totally passed. You aced it, man!

Abraham
Punk’d?

Angel
Yeah, God totally trusts you now. You’re like Luca Brasi. It’s all good.

Abraham
Ok. Um, I still want to burn something, though.

Isaac
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, DAD?! YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT!

Angel
There’s a ram over there stuck in the thicket. How about that?

Abraham
Yes. That will do nicely.

Angel
God does like smoked meats.

Charlie Rose
What is it like today when you think of your father?

Isaac
It’s hard, you know. I mean I have good memories of him. But the image of him tying me up on that altar with a knife in his mouth is forever —

Charlie Rose
It was in his mouth?

Isaac
Yeah. Dad just wore a robe, y’know. And when he was tying me up he didn’t think to set the knife down. So yeah, it was in his mouth.

Charlie Rose
It must have been terrifying.

Isaac
It was absolutely terrifying! It took me decades before I’d ever go anywhere alone with him. I mean, you know, how do you trust a man like that?

Charlie Rose
Which is kind of ironic.

Isaac
How do you mean?

Charlie Rose
Well, because of how God trusted him.

Isaac
Right, exactly.

I want to… say that I… would like to… begin by saying…

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